I have not been here for a while I must say, I was reading. Blog I left in my drafts a few years back that I did not finish and I was like huh, this would have been a great write. Anyways we are here now that was 2020 and now this is 2025, wow so much has happened over the past 5 years. Let’s see, I guess the biggest is that I got married, haha, I moved to another country for 1 year and experienced a whole different culture and living style WOW!
So we came back home for a few reasons, one being we really felt the calling of the Lord calling us back to serve in or home country. It was such a blessing coming back home, but it also came with heartache of the second reason we came back home. One month after I moved we received that my strong mother was diagnosed with early on stage Alzheimer’s. Now imagine receiving that news in a foreign land. That was painful! My biggest fear was that, what if I moved back one ay and she could not recognize me, that was my biggest fear. So those were some of the contributing factors for o moving back.
Now being back has been so interesting, I mean when I arrived she was all smiles and shed some tears, but it was all so beautiful, nothing like what I imagined.
So now here is the battle of being home, I get to see first hand what my sister was battling with. The doctors keep telling us that mom is not in a bad state, her forgetting has not gotten out of hand. But the human nature just can’t help being shattered by the fact that my mom, is not the woman I left a year ago. So I would call and we would have the same conversation twice or so, for her it is the first time.
Now my struggle with all of this, I know God is sovereign, I know He has allowed me to go through this and He wants me to seek Him deeply during this time, but I am struggling. I am having a tough time sleeping, I am struggling to pray for her healing because my mind is not comprehending how have we gotten here. My husband has been such a blessing, he prays for our mom every night we go to bed. The reality is just that I am having a tough time. Reality and my faith is not coming together. It is almost like lol other areas of my life are still intact and believing in this God that we serve, but when it comes to my mom, there is just this detachment. It is almost like I do not understand how God is seeing this play out. Every night I go to bed in fear that a call will find me saying mom has gone, or the fear that she is not remembering anything at all now.
This is where I currently am right now, this is my current life situation. I want to surrender it all to God, I want to put this heavy load I am carrying at his feet, but I do not think I know how. Please do not eat me wrong I know God has got me, and I know He has not forsaken me and I also now that He is able to heal my mother or also allow her to go through this full circle, either or I know there is nothing that separate me from this God of ours. Right now I am just facing what I a calling human limitations. We live in a fallen world that needs Jesus and we are to be reminded that all this that we go through is because of the fall. God is still God, God is still faithful, God is still God.
Maybe I will come back and share with you how overcame this dark time, because one way or another I know the Lord will see me through.
Let us hold fast to this Cross that we proclaim.
The verse I am standing on in this season: “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” Psalms 20:7 NIV
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